yeah!

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1 Chronicles 16

well sometimes.

i was just thinking about buying a book online that i have been meaning to read so. little google search. $3.35 (plus 4 for shipping)! no way man. yes way. should i? about to do it. while im on all the books on that site went up five dollars. thats still not much. funny though. i think i should wait. becoming the answers to our prayers. only book of his i have not read yet.

i have a lost itch on my back... you know the kind. it itches you scratch it(or it scratches and you itch it) right on the spot... but then its not the spot. or the spot moved. its lost. but still there. it is not good for man(woman) to be alone. cause. nobody is there to find your lost back itch. im not meant to be alone. i have said that. i miss you jane.

im house and dog sitting. oh yeah. and cat. for a few weeks. for a family i dont really know at all. its close to one of my works. ha. but. i dont miss this kind of living. the cooking for one. computer time. not having the opportunity to help someone with something when i get home from work. not sharing. you cant share if you are alone.
i do miss the little green house. and the garden. and my tree. and being on a joy schedule. and having things around the house. the way i want them to be. my shower and bathroom. no diapers. ha. ha. but. whats any of that. how much of that is all about me. ew. those are all so small. small things. not needed in anyway. comfortable. yes. but who wants comfort. i was at a meeting sunday night. the preacher said. -if you are comfortable. you can be pretty safe to say that you are not fully moving in the things god has for you.- man how true is that. whats your cross? take it up. face it.

you bless my heart. thank you. thank you for being you.

just this. not much else.

sleeping to dream about you.
good song. nice thought. just came on my weepies station. but. its not the weepies. its jason mraz. i wonder when i will be done with the weepies. i have not gotten sick of them yet. i have been on this weepies kick for a grand long time. neat.

so much thinking.

in the car on my drive “home” from work. i was thinking. about. relationships. relationships of the romantic type. yeah? really? a single girl thinking about that. go figure. so many of them happening around me. that happens. and it happens a lot. more than ever. weird. but not really. some that know me. more than others. would say im a little more than cynical when it

interruption. one of my favorite songs just came on the radio... i made a face as i thought to myself. what a bad cover of this song. so i minimized this page to see who it was that was killing this song... well it was the version they always play on this station. you know the one by the original artist. one my favorite songs. so weird. my ears must be off today. or something.

anyway. some would say that im a little more than cynical when it comes to relationships of said kind. something in my heart is always a little sad. when i hear news of one of my friends. news that he or she FINALLY has someone. they are finally in the relationship of their dreams (that. or they just settled for the first someone who is into them that they can be into.). “well that awful! she must be jealous.” not so much. im always happy when they are happy. but only when its happy of the real variety.
why are they happy.
because they finally found the one.
i truly hope so. cause if thats the case. im on board.
but. i never think they do in the start. it always starts with settling in my mind. and. truth be told. most of the time im right. most of the time.

cynical:
believing the worst of human nature and motives; having a sneering disbelief in e.g. selflessness of others.

ew.
im not into cynicism. unless it has to do with this. and thats not cool with me. so im trying to change the way i think about that. but like i said. most of the time im right. so its hard. but that doesnt make thinking about it that way right. we will see how it goes. i think this is one of those. taking these thoughts captive. kinda time.

praise god that i am not the judge.

how i fix this problem with me. simple. just pretend. i will never be with anyone. i never want to be with anyone. that way when i (ahem. finally.ahem) am with someone. there is no chance im settling. right!? man im a smart one.

lame as.

help us jesus.

coffee.

begin. early. coffee. coffee. housework. coffee. homework. coffee. rent. school. work. yardwork. coffee. coffee. homework. phonecalls. coffee. ditched.

i don’t expect anything.

only seven cups. good.

i just wish we could be.
im thankful. honest. what beauty surrounds us. how often i forget.

today. speaking with a fantastic person. -how is it that flowers are smart. they know to close up when its raining or cold or dark. they are smarter than most humans.- said i- flowers just obey better than humans.- says she. interesting.

lets just drive south.

i enjoy your ever changing consistency.

its wonderful to be here now.

im trying not to count down. not doing a very good job.

im working on content. not complacent. is content something you can work on. or does it just happen.

its like water. its like the shadow water leaves.

face to face please.

i miss people to do nothing with. he once said. its hard to get much done around here. because there is always someone to do nothing with.

i miss people. i miss him. i miss trampolines. and the right music. i miss her. i miss trading ipods for the day. i miss cooking for 120 people. i miss crying. i miss a lot of things today.

please don’t be selfish with your life. you wont be so lonely if you share it. it means something. community. fellowship. in the right way.

i understand needing alone time. but maybe you should look at why you have such a hard time with not having so so much of it.

fire. kites. food. dance. talks. music. laugh. sidewalkchalk. sit. read. bookclub. write. dohomework. askforhelp. photograph. watchamovie. nap. things are wonderful with people. i think i was made to be with people. and i think you were too.

its beautiful.

i laughed on Saturday. really laughed. the -really.hard.cant.control.im.sorry.i.am.making.these.noises.i.would.
stop.if.i.could.but.i.cant.- kinda laugh. and it happened twice that day.
it was wonderful. i missed that too.

i admire my siblings. every last one. they are fantastic.

so it goes.

when everything goes wrong. and im still happy. we’re still happy.

hi.

sometimes its enough to not know.

life is going. it doesn’t stop. you can participate. or not. your choice. but it still goes.

i almost forgot to remember.

noting huge is going on. noting profound. nothing horrible. noting epic. just it. and its good. and sometimes its not. im going. its going.

if i make it to when im old. it will be fun. it will be fun to look back on this time. the time in college. in the little green house. with the wonderful roommate. the time that shaped who i am.
life change.
not enough sleep.
living.
too much coffee.
death.
mistakes.
good choices.
not eating right.
not having enough money to eat right.
too much coffee.
photographs.
doing what i say i will.
not doing what i say i will.
doing what i say i wont.
not knowing if anything actually matters.
but doing it all the same.
working toward it.
being in it.
quarters for coffee.
goldfish.
peanut butter.
books.
adventures.
indians.
building things.
creating.
yard work.
homework.
so much homework.
all nighters.
too much coffee.
shells.
dandelions.
finding out together.
exploring.
finding out what i really think.
thinking too much.
being sick.
music.
the weepies.
nothing going how it was “supposed to”.
well you get the idea. i could go for an ever. but i wont. i guess i just got to thinking. its now. its hard. its amazing. it keeps going. so i choose to take it rather than leave it. to be ok with it. to be ok with not knowing if its ok. And just let it be. just be.

maybe. Sometime it will be more than ok again. but now. its not. and that’s ok. and i like it.


noting profound. nothing horrible. noting epic. just it. and its good. and sometimes its not. and im going. and its going.

and im ok with it. and im ok.

rain.

the sky opens and washes away the rubbush of the day. maybe it rains tonight for those that don’t have the strength to cry anymore. the sky cries for us.

my heart aches for you.

ever notice a noise that you never noticed til this moment. but its been present for a long time.

“the phyciatrists would have a field day with you.” that’s what i was told. ha.

i remember how much i don’t know. i don’t know.

its so rough when people see and get to know the ugly parts of me. The parts i don’t even want to know or acknowledge myself.

forgiveness. what a mighty power.

i want to do something for you. what do you need. what do you want.

the war wages stronger today than it has in a while. i feel it. the great battle that is being fought on my behalf. on your behalf. the battle for our thoughts. our time. our energy. our possession. our love. our joy. our devotion. our purity. our health. our courage. our very lives. protection is here. i need to start to pay more attention. it makes a difference when i do. a big difference.

"keep your courage." he said to me as he walked away. things changes that day.