blast from the past

I’m moving out of my parent’s house at the end of this month. Going through and packing up pieces of my entire life. I have never moved out for real. I have things that have built up from the last twenty years. Its pure chaos. Ha. Anyway going through my journals and notebooks from my early high school years has been intense, sad, eye-opening (as to the things I really struggled with), and a big reminder of how faithful my God truly is. Some of the stuff I wrote is pretty good, most just funny, other stuff is just plain wacky.


I probably wrote this seven years ago. I never knew who it was about.


-He stands atop a lofty ground searching for a purpose

Seeking something that can’t be found at least not without pure motives

The mighty fortress he’s built himself looks tall and straight and strong

But what’s not known, at least not yet, is what it is composed of

Guilt, shame and lies three unsteady components

This is what he’s chose to build

Himself

His life

His home on

Set in his ways not ready to change-


Until now.



Also toward the end of my years of embracing hurt but knowing I should not be. I wrote this.


- struggles. sometimes i feel bad for struggling with things. i know what needs to be done. i know what to do. but the thing is. i didn’t do the right thing the first time around. so i got stuck by my choices. I chose the thing i knew i shouldn’t have. and that was my choice. i love God now. i really do. i just don’t understand why i cant act like i do. live like i do…. -

Its goes on for a bit… saying how I might be ready to give up the unhealthy things/ people I was involved with at the time. I see so many young people (and not just young people) that struggle so much. They struggle and don’t want to. they feel shame because of their struggle. I want that to change.

There is beauty in struggle. There is beauty in failure. There is something that happens when someone doesn’t know. and is ok with admitting that they don’t know. Questions. Doubts. Admitting to failure. In being able to see that these things are ok to deal with. To face. We are admitting that we don’t know it all. We are facing that we are not God. We are saying that God is God. And we are not. beauty.

That’s all.