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1 Chronicles 16

well sometimes.

i was just thinking about buying a book online that i have been meaning to read so. little google search. $3.35 (plus 4 for shipping)! no way man. yes way. should i? about to do it. while im on all the books on that site went up five dollars. thats still not much. funny though. i think i should wait. becoming the answers to our prayers. only book of his i have not read yet.

i have a lost itch on my back... you know the kind. it itches you scratch it(or it scratches and you itch it) right on the spot... but then its not the spot. or the spot moved. its lost. but still there. it is not good for man(woman) to be alone. cause. nobody is there to find your lost back itch. im not meant to be alone. i have said that. i miss you jane.

im house and dog sitting. oh yeah. and cat. for a few weeks. for a family i dont really know at all. its close to one of my works. ha. but. i dont miss this kind of living. the cooking for one. computer time. not having the opportunity to help someone with something when i get home from work. not sharing. you cant share if you are alone.
i do miss the little green house. and the garden. and my tree. and being on a joy schedule. and having things around the house. the way i want them to be. my shower and bathroom. no diapers. ha. ha. but. whats any of that. how much of that is all about me. ew. those are all so small. small things. not needed in anyway. comfortable. yes. but who wants comfort. i was at a meeting sunday night. the preacher said. -if you are comfortable. you can be pretty safe to say that you are not fully moving in the things god has for you.- man how true is that. whats your cross? take it up. face it.

you bless my heart. thank you. thank you for being you.

just this. not much else.

sleeping to dream about you.
good song. nice thought. just came on my weepies station. but. its not the weepies. its jason mraz. i wonder when i will be done with the weepies. i have not gotten sick of them yet. i have been on this weepies kick for a grand long time. neat.

so much thinking.

in the car on my drive “home” from work. i was thinking. about. relationships. relationships of the romantic type. yeah? really? a single girl thinking about that. go figure. so many of them happening around me. that happens. and it happens a lot. more than ever. weird. but not really. some that know me. more than others. would say im a little more than cynical when it

interruption. one of my favorite songs just came on the radio... i made a face as i thought to myself. what a bad cover of this song. so i minimized this page to see who it was that was killing this song... well it was the version they always play on this station. you know the one by the original artist. one my favorite songs. so weird. my ears must be off today. or something.

anyway. some would say that im a little more than cynical when it comes to relationships of said kind. something in my heart is always a little sad. when i hear news of one of my friends. news that he or she FINALLY has someone. they are finally in the relationship of their dreams (that. or they just settled for the first someone who is into them that they can be into.). “well that awful! she must be jealous.” not so much. im always happy when they are happy. but only when its happy of the real variety.
why are they happy.
because they finally found the one.
i truly hope so. cause if thats the case. im on board.
but. i never think they do in the start. it always starts with settling in my mind. and. truth be told. most of the time im right. most of the time.

cynical:
believing the worst of human nature and motives; having a sneering disbelief in e.g. selflessness of others.

ew.
im not into cynicism. unless it has to do with this. and thats not cool with me. so im trying to change the way i think about that. but like i said. most of the time im right. so its hard. but that doesnt make thinking about it that way right. we will see how it goes. i think this is one of those. taking these thoughts captive. kinda time.

praise god that i am not the judge.

how i fix this problem with me. simple. just pretend. i will never be with anyone. i never want to be with anyone. that way when i (ahem. finally.ahem) am with someone. there is no chance im settling. right!? man im a smart one.

lame as.

help us jesus.

coffee.

begin. early. coffee. coffee. housework. coffee. homework. coffee. rent. school. work. yardwork. coffee. coffee. homework. phonecalls. coffee. ditched.

i don’t expect anything.

only seven cups. good.

i just wish we could be.
im thankful. honest. what beauty surrounds us. how often i forget.

today. speaking with a fantastic person. -how is it that flowers are smart. they know to close up when its raining or cold or dark. they are smarter than most humans.- said i- flowers just obey better than humans.- says she. interesting.

lets just drive south.

i enjoy your ever changing consistency.

its wonderful to be here now.

im trying not to count down. not doing a very good job.

im working on content. not complacent. is content something you can work on. or does it just happen.

its like water. its like the shadow water leaves.

face to face please.

i miss people to do nothing with. he once said. its hard to get much done around here. because there is always someone to do nothing with.

i miss people. i miss him. i miss trampolines. and the right music. i miss her. i miss trading ipods for the day. i miss cooking for 120 people. i miss crying. i miss a lot of things today.

please don’t be selfish with your life. you wont be so lonely if you share it. it means something. community. fellowship. in the right way.

i understand needing alone time. but maybe you should look at why you have such a hard time with not having so so much of it.

fire. kites. food. dance. talks. music. laugh. sidewalkchalk. sit. read. bookclub. write. dohomework. askforhelp. photograph. watchamovie. nap. things are wonderful with people. i think i was made to be with people. and i think you were too.

its beautiful.

i laughed on Saturday. really laughed. the -really.hard.cant.control.im.sorry.i.am.making.these.noises.i.would.
stop.if.i.could.but.i.cant.- kinda laugh. and it happened twice that day.
it was wonderful. i missed that too.

i admire my siblings. every last one. they are fantastic.

so it goes.

when everything goes wrong. and im still happy. we’re still happy.

hi.

sometimes its enough to not know.

life is going. it doesn’t stop. you can participate. or not. your choice. but it still goes.

i almost forgot to remember.

noting huge is going on. noting profound. nothing horrible. noting epic. just it. and its good. and sometimes its not. im going. its going.

if i make it to when im old. it will be fun. it will be fun to look back on this time. the time in college. in the little green house. with the wonderful roommate. the time that shaped who i am.
life change.
not enough sleep.
living.
too much coffee.
death.
mistakes.
good choices.
not eating right.
not having enough money to eat right.
too much coffee.
photographs.
doing what i say i will.
not doing what i say i will.
doing what i say i wont.
not knowing if anything actually matters.
but doing it all the same.
working toward it.
being in it.
quarters for coffee.
goldfish.
peanut butter.
books.
adventures.
indians.
building things.
creating.
yard work.
homework.
so much homework.
all nighters.
too much coffee.
shells.
dandelions.
finding out together.
exploring.
finding out what i really think.
thinking too much.
being sick.
music.
the weepies.
nothing going how it was “supposed to”.
well you get the idea. i could go for an ever. but i wont. i guess i just got to thinking. its now. its hard. its amazing. it keeps going. so i choose to take it rather than leave it. to be ok with it. to be ok with not knowing if its ok. And just let it be. just be.

maybe. Sometime it will be more than ok again. but now. its not. and that’s ok. and i like it.


noting profound. nothing horrible. noting epic. just it. and its good. and sometimes its not. and im going. and its going.

and im ok with it. and im ok.

rain.

the sky opens and washes away the rubbush of the day. maybe it rains tonight for those that don’t have the strength to cry anymore. the sky cries for us.

my heart aches for you.

ever notice a noise that you never noticed til this moment. but its been present for a long time.

“the phyciatrists would have a field day with you.” that’s what i was told. ha.

i remember how much i don’t know. i don’t know.

its so rough when people see and get to know the ugly parts of me. The parts i don’t even want to know or acknowledge myself.

forgiveness. what a mighty power.

i want to do something for you. what do you need. what do you want.

the war wages stronger today than it has in a while. i feel it. the great battle that is being fought on my behalf. on your behalf. the battle for our thoughts. our time. our energy. our possession. our love. our joy. our devotion. our purity. our health. our courage. our very lives. protection is here. i need to start to pay more attention. it makes a difference when i do. a big difference.

"keep your courage." he said to me as he walked away. things changes that day.

don’t know when.

why is it always about me.

sick of selfishness.

you dont need a reason.

you don’t need a reason.

sometimes its hard to find a way to keep on. .keep on keeping on. little bird.

to look at yourself in a way you have never before. it can be beautiful. beautiful and horrifying. i have so much farther to go. everything is new. yet so familiar.

love. the kind that my Jesus died on a cross for me for. does human love like that exist anymore.

sorry for your loss. I wish I could say more. sometimes more is unnecessary. is it a loss. or just a continuation.

is it not true that a beautiful little dandelion is pretty all in its self. but. an awkward dandelion puff can turn a green field into a brilliant green canvas speckled with hundreds of bright yellow beauty.

the day reflects pieces of us. it always does.

the storm is coming. the storm has here. the storm has passed. or just the eye. for now? whats a little storm anyway.

i want to change the world. but instead I sleep. let that not be.

a day when nothing seems right. what do you do. you haven’t been sleeping cause your body wont relax.

you make choices because He told you to. choices. hmmm. it’s a choice. He spoke. you can still hear. you still listened.

there are no right angles in my life.

-When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Your love drives me to say
It is well it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul-



it is well.

A.B.C

What would I give to behold,
the smile, the face of love.
You never left me, the rising sun will always speak your name.

It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.

I mourn for those who never knew you
I mourn for those who never knew you -Killswitch Engage


she loved this song.

as far as the east is from the west.

And so I insist—and God backs me up on this—that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty-headed, mindless crowd. They've refused for so long to deal with God that they've lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can't think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion.

But that's no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It's rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.

Did you use to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can't work.

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.

Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted.

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, and profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.



it would be cool to insist something. and have God back you up on it. I guess if we insist the right things He does.



there is no “but what about me?” anymore. sometimes I forget that. and go on a four day rant. sorry. and then I remember. good stuff.

Also. I have dreams about what im going to blog about alot. then I blog.

stay together, both outwardly and inwardly (he is speaking to more than one person.)

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love

feeling.

doing better today. not in a whole lot of pain. thats good. just really sore and uncomfortable. i took the bandage off this morning. i almost passed out. its pretty big. the cut i mean. But I don’t think the scar will be super noticeable. after it heals.

I think not facebooking will bring on more blogging. does blogging have two gs or one?

so here is this kid. i only hang out with him all of four or five times a year. he called to see how it went. i was sleeping so he left a message. “just called to hear all about it. im sure you are sick of talking about. but its good to talk about it.”

you didn’t even call.

i wish i was sick of talking about it.

but everyone dances around actually talking about it. what about the details.

i guess im more interested than you. makes sense. why would you care. im not saying that sarcastically.

anyway. it was nice.

im leaving the house tonight. i cant wait. the brother in law just texted and said he is picking me up when he gets out of work. sweet as.

change.

its time.

and i just.

deactivated.

no more facebook for a while.

im really not a fan of lies. even small ones.

how do you break up with someone you are not even with.

i couldnt even tell him to buzz off when he was sleeping with random girls.

or when he is married and has a kid.

or when he is nine years older than me and still cant drive. and plays with action figures.

or when he treats me like crap and then says i complain and over analyze.

or when he had a girlfriend all along.

its not that i let them take advantage. i just dont know what to do. i dont want to make excuses. i dont want to be mean. im good at saying no not now. but. i dont know how to say no not ever. and not be mean.

i despise selfishness. unfortunately. im about as selfish as they come. gross.

also i pride myself in not being super girlie. get me alone for a few days stuck with nothing to do but think. im about as girl as they come.

pride comes before the fall.

im covered in paint. even my feet.

to want change. an to actually change are two very different things.

i want to go.

im getting antsy.

im super thankful for my family. super.

i cant stop crying.

its kind of beautiful.

prove me wrong please.

its gonna take quite the man to stick with me for good.

im alot.

im so opinionated.

and super thick headed.

i also dont want it to be about me.

but sometimes it would still be nice if you tried.

i cant wait to see it with the bandage off.

sweet scar and everything.

Abs says that he will think its hot.

if there is a he.

dont feel like sleeping.

it might be the vicodine talking.

but probably not.

i think people like blogging because you can just talk. no one stops you. and someone listens.

like this.

i can only think of one person that would put up with me going on like this without stopping me... or saying something mean. i can talk and know that somebody will read this. i will be heard. my rambles will be read. even if it is just by my big sister.

i dont necessarily even want to be understood. just heard out. and loved still.

we are not compatible. compatible. able to exist and perform in harmonious or agreeable combination. we are not harmonious or agreeable.

thats ok.

You looked right through me. there was no one else.

You are the one ive been waiting for today.

today.

confused.

im super great today. but also. super angry. at most everything. i dont know if its the good kind of anger.

i ordered a glass bead. i have been on the hunt for the right hand blown glass pendent. i think i found it. being stuck in bed with access to the internet has been interesting. my eyes are burning out of my head.

but anyway. glass bead. the cheapest i had found of the kind i wanted was $25. thats alot for one bead. i even found one for $180. then there it was. just what i wanted. for $5. yay.

if this company checks out. hello selling these things for way more than i bought them!

also. bought a new baja hoodie. its pretty grand. and cheap. ill let you know how they are when they both get here.

i have found the perfect music for today. i really like when that happens. its like magic.

and i stood up today. for about ten minutes. just a little while ago. it was great. but now i hurt. i havent taken vicodin at all today. but i think i will have to soon. then i will paint. for real. i hope. yeah i will. ill just move slow.

cookie bake off. Ebel's kitchen right now. Isaac vs Ness. who wins you ask? Joy. because i get to eat them all.

i keep having dreams. i have kids. but they are not mine.

Uganda.

lets go fly a kite.

funny how much i like my bed. til i have to lay in it.

ready to get up.

on the other hand.

life is grand.

he wont stop calling me. he is married and has a kid. and i dont answer. get the hint buddy.

too bad i cant really move. cause i would love to paint when i am super blazed. whenever you need legal drugs... its for a reason... most of the time one that prohibits you from doing other things... like panting a masterpiece. haha. thats honest.

coffee time.

i just dont feel it anymore.

"this is the last song that i write
'til you tell me otherwise
and it's because i just don't feel it" -

im just about to hit two years.

also i feel like i just cant be bothered with tomorrow. its funny when people tell you. you might die. next time i hear that. i will look that dr. in the eye and bluntly reply. yes i can tell you that i will die. not might die. i just will. and so will you. then i will smile.

you have alot of growing up to do. so do i.

today i hit the top of the biggest hill of the roller coaster. as far as speed of busy life goes. wacky.

its funny when someone just knows what you need. even if you dont know thats what you need at the time. like just the right kind of talk. or the simple question that gets skimmed over too often. thank you.

i said i would give up whatever He wants me to. no matter what. sometimes it take longer than others.

also.

i gave Him permission to just take whatever He thought i was leaning on too much. to take the things that were/are getting in the way of what i need to do. take the things that are blocking. take the things i use as a crutch.

i didnt think it would be this long.

i dont feel right. when i dont write. maybe thats why. maybe i never will again. i guess if thats whats needed. i am. i am ok with that.

"this is the last song that i write
'til you tell me otherwise
and it's because i just don't feel it anymore" -

if you want to live like a hippie you have to be ok with smelling like one.

christmas evening my sisters (three of the four) were sitting on the floor around the small end table we have in our living room playing dutch blitz (an awesome card game) and as the game got going faster Jane started apologizing for her BO and saying how the deodorant she uses only works for a few hours (no one could smell it but her, she is always saying that she smells. I just don’t think you do Jane). anyway. we started talking about the deodorant that we both use. Toms all natural aluminum-free deodorant. it smells good. and as far as i am concerned it works well. i guess it is a different story with nursing mothers? ha. her point was it is important to her to use all natural deodorant. and even more so when she is nursing. and at the end of the conversation she nonchalantly said “if a want to live like a hippie i have to be ok with smelling like one.”

that got me thinking.

alot.

about my life.

on so many levels.

being a Christian. a “Christ like” person. following the teachings or manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus Christ. if i want to be known as a Christian i have to be ok with “smelling like one”. if I actually want to do this… i have to be ok with living like it… its nice to speak it. to want it. even to pretend it a little. but to be ok with the “side effects” of choosing to be that (more like in your face effects rater than side effects). if i want to live like a Christian. i want to live like a Christian. a Christ like. for me that means living like Christ. oh no. so.

what does that mean for me.

it means actually looking. and seeing. and thinking. and maybe even (get this) acting/living like Jesus did. He actually lived. woah. i have a very real. very clear example. there was this man that once walked on this earth. this real man. this man who pooped. ate. drank. spoke. cried. gave. lived. He actually was. who would have thought. i have taken a title (pretty much my whole life)… this very title stating that i am like this man. am i like this man i have read about. woah. failure on my part. oops. and the part that sucks the most (but not really at all) . is now i have thought about this. now that i have looked at this Christ like thing in a different way… or maybe not even in a different way just its actually clicking a little bit. its time to make my mind up. its time to do something. to read. and study. and pray. and think. and tear apart. and decide. and to ask if He actually meant what he said. and if he meant the way he lived. and if was actually for a reason. and if He did mean it. wht that means for me.

if i want to be a christian i have to be ok with smelling like Jesus. not like other Christians. but like Christ. the one who that title came from. (this is not saying that other Christians don’t live like Christ.)


and also.

it got me thinking so much about today’s hip and common(poser) hippie “movement”.

i have never called myself a hippie. And i deny it when someone else does.

forget the hippie-born environmental movement of the 1960s and '70s. In 2008, green is mainstream, fashionable, even luxurious. Ug.

“run into picket fences not into picket lines.all this hippie-shit’s for the 60'sand a cliché in our time” –

but truth be told.


a hippie. some definitions.

-someone who rejects the established culture

-a term used to describe someone who wears long hair, aged denims, fringed and beaded tops, crafty accessories and ethnic looks as a means of defying convention. J

-a group of people who oppose america's role in war. they believed in being equal, and everyone having the same things

-to be a hippie you must believe in peace as the way to resolve differences among peoples.


yeah so i fit the mold. i am cliché. and cheesy. and even a poser. but i think they were on to something. to live like those who came before you is not a bad thing. and im thankful i have examples to follow. i.e. my parents and many of the people i love and trust. they lived in such a way when they were my age that i admire so very much. but Lord spare me from hopping on this fashionable. Hippie because its cool. and edgy. and so very unique. consumer bandwagon.

ever walk by someone that seems to fit the “hippie mold” to a T. as you walk by them you notice a familiar scent. like I don’t know. an $82 a bottle designer perfume. funny eh?

i want to live like a hippie. im ok with smelling like one.

Just saying.

selfless love. selfless love means being more than ok with selflessly loving people that love selfishly.

-The Way of Love
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. -

selfless living. living selflessly means being more than ok with living with people who live selfishly.

the root of life is love. if everyone loved like we were meant to love. we wouldn’t lack. we wouldn’t want. we would suffer like we do.

later I will be blog on a phrase that has been running through my head for weeks.

just saying.

blast from the past

I’m moving out of my parent’s house at the end of this month. Going through and packing up pieces of my entire life. I have never moved out for real. I have things that have built up from the last twenty years. Its pure chaos. Ha. Anyway going through my journals and notebooks from my early high school years has been intense, sad, eye-opening (as to the things I really struggled with), and a big reminder of how faithful my God truly is. Some of the stuff I wrote is pretty good, most just funny, other stuff is just plain wacky.


I probably wrote this seven years ago. I never knew who it was about.


-He stands atop a lofty ground searching for a purpose

Seeking something that can’t be found at least not without pure motives

The mighty fortress he’s built himself looks tall and straight and strong

But what’s not known, at least not yet, is what it is composed of

Guilt, shame and lies three unsteady components

This is what he’s chose to build

Himself

His life

His home on

Set in his ways not ready to change-


Until now.



Also toward the end of my years of embracing hurt but knowing I should not be. I wrote this.


- struggles. sometimes i feel bad for struggling with things. i know what needs to be done. i know what to do. but the thing is. i didn’t do the right thing the first time around. so i got stuck by my choices. I chose the thing i knew i shouldn’t have. and that was my choice. i love God now. i really do. i just don’t understand why i cant act like i do. live like i do…. -

Its goes on for a bit… saying how I might be ready to give up the unhealthy things/ people I was involved with at the time. I see so many young people (and not just young people) that struggle so much. They struggle and don’t want to. they feel shame because of their struggle. I want that to change.

There is beauty in struggle. There is beauty in failure. There is something that happens when someone doesn’t know. and is ok with admitting that they don’t know. Questions. Doubts. Admitting to failure. In being able to see that these things are ok to deal with. To face. We are admitting that we don’t know it all. We are facing that we are not God. We are saying that God is God. And we are not. beauty.

That’s all.